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It's almost Christmas time! Getting the list together.. the grocery list.. for cookies, trees and cheese, and other random deliciousness. We just got a dishwasher. Merry Christmas! ahhahahha! I still write "Merry Christy".. That could be a stage name.. in burlesque. Andrew and I escorted a friend to a burlesque show for her birthday the other week. The show sucked! $25 for some girls to dance/gymnastic with a chair. It was weird. Only one set of pasties... shame.

It's really fun to see Freddy growing in his independence.. not only from his parents, which is usual at 2, but from Topher as well. Of course he still copies everything he does and says.. but he's been around long enough to know what he likes/dislikes different than Topher. Stuff like that, it's cool. Topher, is absolutely amazing. Everyday he surprises me with his motivation to learn and practice what he's learned. he so innocent in his sneaky ways.. the kid knows too much. I love them.

feeling sad

i try to think, but nothing comes across my mind. my brain just sinks into this black hole that never ends into my spine. i'm whirling away into the nothingness. i never thought i'd be depressed. do i even have a reason to be? do i have to? i hate feeling this way. nothing's every right, so much shit is piling up i feel i can't swim through it. i have pieces of me everywhere and when i go "home" there's an underlining fact that it's not really mine. nothing is mine. people go crazy all the time, cna't i just go crazy so i don't have to worry about anything? can't i just lose my mind so i don't have to use it?

gp

I can't believe I did it. i stood up to this professor and he took it.. i hated that he talked to me like his daughter... i"m no one's daughter but my mom's, hahha, especially that creep's.

Tara was rufied the other night. scary stuff. I don't even think about that anymore, we're not newbies at going to the bar.. you have to be defensive when you're 19 sneaking in because all the creeps are preying on the easy ones. I can't believe it happened to her. the loss of control is enough to make you mad, not to mention the fact that you were prey. scary.. people are messed up in the head.

it was nice talking to her for 2 hours this morning.. i was watching 90210 and laying in bed. it was wonderful. i hope her shit works out.

my boys are so nice. tonight, they were both rolling on top of each other and me while we were sitting on out little itty bitty couch. I'm so happy, I just feel like nothing could get any better..

sss

it was a cold, dark night.
"look up!" he says
hoping for a rainbow i look up
little grains of snow
slowly falling towards my face
the size of the stars
i can see past the white dust
glowing golden in the street light
so small in their distance
of the black and blue
make-up of the universe.

mmm

I wish I had something profound to say, but i don't. My thoughts go all day long, but once i get here, i have nothing. i'm tired. I feel like I annoy the person i love most of all. i don't know how else to behave. I am defensive, yes. i know that. but the farther you go, the more distant i become.

ttt

I wish I could blog on the template I just designed... it gives me inspiration. Orange makes me happy.

The air is down right FrEEZing!! It's gonna snow today, it has to. The sky is full of big, puffy clouds. Not the puffy you might imagine as white, warm puffy clouds.. no. These are gray, dark and luminous at the same time. I have spiderwebs in the window for Halloween and it makes the outside look even scarier.

I have more, but I have to go.. time is never on my side.